George W. Bush Investigates! Bob Cesca
Wed Sep 7, 1:25 AM ET
Rick Santorum says that hurricane victims who remained
in their homes should be penalized. The Republicans
are rushing to get the first of the relief dollars
to... Mississippi , where Trent Lott's highly acclaimed
front porch once existed. The Chairman of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff and the Secretary of Homeland
Security are getting their major catastrophe
information from newspaper headlines that don't exist
other than in Karl Rove's imagination -- and making
decisions (or not) based on those imaginary headlines.
And George W. Bush, the man responsible for appointing
and/or supporting these criminally negligent excuses
for "protectors of the homeland", is going to oversee
an investigation into what went wrong.
The same man who stood, invisible six-shooters at the
ready, in a hangar on Friday flanked by rescue
choppers which weren't rescuing anything except the
last shreds of his crumbling reputation.
The same man who only stopped smirking and joking --
kind of -- as of Monday's visit to the Gulf region.
The same man who, some 12-24 hours after the levees
broke was air-guitaring a pathetic G-chord with
country singer Mark Wills in the hurricane stricken
region of San Diego .
The same man who said that no-one anticipated that the
levees would break; a result anticipated by experts,
scientists, people watching the news, and fictional
Play-Dough man Mr. Bill.
The same man who stood smirking next to FEMA chief
Mike Brown and vouched for the good job "Brownie" was
The same man who allowed his good friend and Secretary
of State to laugh along with "Spamalot" on Broadway
while the Superdome disintegrated into Thunderdome.
So we're to gather that this will be an impartial and
independent investigation then.
What has history taught us about Bush's mighty
Like the 9/11 Commission investigation, the president
might offer his side of the story without any written
transcript, without recording devices, and with Cheney
kicking him under the table whenever he giggles
"Eh-eh-eh-eh!" at the mention of the word "dyke."
Maybe Bush will summon proof that a few bad apples
were to blame for the torture and execution of those
who, as Rebecca Hagelin of the conservative Heritage
Foundation wrote Tuesday, weren't dignified enough to
behave in the same manner as the steerage passengers
on the Titanic -- because of rap music.
Or maybe, like the WMD debacle, the president's
investigation might reveal that Bush's goal wasn't to
rescue or help, but to guide and supervise from afar.
Then when that's proven to be grossly incorrect, the
investigation might reveal that the goal was to
ultimately bring a new, fancier dome-shaped home to
the poor people of New Orleans . Then when that's
proven to be hogwash, they'll claim that their goal
was to just finish the job as a way to honor those who
We can't possibly expect in a million years that this
farcical "Gareth Keenan Investigates!" charade will
reveal to us the full story of what went wrong within
Bush's inner circle. No Bush investigation will ever
point to his embarrassing and destructive lack of
presence, leadership, and decisiveness last week when
children, senior citizens, and amputees in wheelchairs
cooked and dehydrated to death while clinging to the
few remaining dry spots in New Orleans .
No Bush investigation will show that all this new
infrastructure he's bragged about since 9/11 might've
been nothing but a political prop, just like those
silent choppers in that hangar on Friday. Where was
this multi-billion dollar infrastructure last week
when all the "stronger and safer" demagoguery proved
to be about as useful as a paper condom? No Bush
investigation will show that, despite all the bluster
and scary speeches about evil-doers, we're no safer
than we were before 9/11.
This so-called investigation will prove to be nothing
short of useless subterfuge for one very basic reason.
As a result of partisan Republican control of our
government, the Mobius Loop of idiocy invariably leads
back to the Oval Office. His party, his allies, his
friends, his decisions, his word, his political
advisor guiding the talking points for the entire GOP
population. How could it not?
Every deadly error, every mispoken word, every smirk,
every petulant remark, every misstep we've observed
spread out over five years has been condensed into a
single week and underscored by thousands of dead
bodies. Had this been "President Kerry," there'd
already be a Fox Cheney Channel carrying 24-hours of
the (hypothetically former) Vice President repeating
over-and-over that only the Bush administration
could've kept America safe.
But the man who promised us safety and security for
five years is now promising us an investigation to
figure out 1) what went wrong everywhere but in his
various offices, and 2) how to make us even more safe
and even more secure. So we were supposed to be safe
and secure before, which we weren't, and now after the
colossal errors of Hurricane Katrina we're expected --
as patriotic Americans -- to trust more of the same
tripe? Nice try, Mr. President. Now resign already so
we can get going with some actual safety and security.